I'm dedicating these to Frank T., not because I think he's anything like the title character, but because he's the shape-shifter who could best read him, if it ever came to that, and, well, he's the only Frank I know in real life, except for an old Army buddy that I haven't seen since the misty sixties.
1. How to Quit Smoking
Frank was standing under a rusted out, WPA railroad-bridge trying to catch a smoke, when an outlaw wind caught him off guard
spun him around
knocked him to the ground
flew up his pant leg
forced itself under his jockey's
and blew into his asshole
with so much force he exhaled out of every other orifice for three weeks.
He was the old lady who swallowed the fly - in reverse
enough dust to fill up a whole new Oklahoma.
When he was done
he dropped to his knees
and drank up the Wabash River.
For over a month
Frank roamed around
pissing and dribbling
hundreds of un-named waterways
around dozens of previously unknown national parks.
It's a wonder he didn't rupture something.
It's no wonder he gave up cigarettes.